Empower Yourself: An HSP Therapist Shares 3 Critical Skills for Emotionally Sensitive People

By: Dr. Mary Kate Roohan

Your feelings are getting in the way of your life. On some days, your mood makes you less “productive.” Sometimes, you just want your feelings to go away.

This is an extremely common experience for emotionally sensitive people. A big lesson I learned as an HSP Therapist is that many of my sensitive clients feel that their emotions control many of their choices. 

The good news is that there are many strategies you can use to gain control of your emotions (and life)! I recently published a post with three of my favorite strategies to become the boss of your feelings. Some readers have asked for more tools… I’m on it! I have 3 MORE strategies for you today.

Emotional Sensitivity - Can You Remind Me About What This Is?

Emotionally sensitive individuals feel more intensely, more frequently, and for longer periods of time. The concept of emotional sensitivity comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT for short, which is an approach to treatment that helps sensitive people regulate their emotions and improve their relationships. You may possess the trait of emotional sensitivity if you identify as an empath, emotional sponge, highly sensitive person (HSP), or super feeler.  

One of the biggest challenges of being a big feeler is that when your emotions are running high, your mood tells you what you can and can’t do. 

Imagine this:

You wake up on Saturday morning feeling motivated, thinking you’ll clean the house and meal prep for the week before you go dancing with friends at night (you LOVE to dance!). You get your phone to text your bestie to figure out what time you are meeting to pregame and, at that moment, realize your new crush STILL hasn’t texted you back; suddenly, your mood shifts. You feel sad and worried - your inner voice pops up: “Why aren’t they getting back to you? Was it something you said when you talked to them at the party last weekend? Ugh…why do you even care so much about what they think? What’s wrong with you?” Just like that… your mood has shifted. Instead of texting your friend to solidify plans for the evening, you decide to grab the cookies from the kitchen, plop on the couch, and let the Instagram doom-scrolling commence.

Have you ever had this experience? Many emotionally sensitive people have. One of the instinctive ways that super feelers tend to handle their emotions is by engaging in behaviors to AVOID those feelings. It makes sense—sitting with the emotions is painful, so you do what you can to stop the pain. 

It’s late afternoon now. Your crush has not texted you back. You’re still doom-scolling on the couch. You feel so guilty about bailing on dancing with your girls, but you just have this overwhelming sense that you can’t go. It feels too overwhelming to try and pick and outfit and put on a happy face. When you see that your best friend is texting you about evening plans, a wave of anxiety and shame hit you. You don’t want to have to explain yourself - you’ll probably feel even MORE guilty when she encourages you to come out -  so you ignore the text, make a drink, and put on a murder mystery. You’ll deal with the text later. 

It's extremely frustrating when it feels like your emotions are dictating your abilities. It’s also lonely. You might feel that those around you just don't understand. People close to you might say things like: "you're too sensitive," "don't fuss about it," or "it's not that important." These responses are very invalidating and may lead you to withdraw and criticize yourself.

I know it’s hard. I’m a highly sensitive therapist, which is why I am passionate about working with emotionally sensitive folx. My sensitivity is why I became an HSP therapist. After doing my own therapy for many years, I now have the opportunity to teach my sensitive clients to live WITH their emotions rather than spend countless hours attempting to numb them, fight them, or escape them. More specifically, I use strategies from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to support clients in changing their relationship with their inner experiences. 

Ready to have some more agency in your life? Here are some tools you can use from evidence-based therapies.

Drop The Struggle

Trying to change or distract yourself from big feelings is natural when you are emotionally sensitive. Feeling deeply can be overwhelming and painful… of course, you want it to stop! Maybe you even worry that if you allow yourself to fully experience your emotions, you’ll never be able to regain control.

Sometimes, it feels as if there's a "struggle switch" that automatically turns on when these feelings surface. This struggle switch can amplify your emotions, leading to a cycle of self-defeating behaviors.

For instance, when anxiety strikes in the middle of the night, you might start to feel worried about having anxiety, which only makes you feel it more intensely. Worrying about worrying is overwhelming. This struggle can lead to a cascade of emotions - anger about feeling anxious about the anxiety, sadness about getting angry at yourself again, and then guilt about feeling sad (“I have so many great things in my life… I shouldn’t feel this way!). Each emotion amplifies the previous one, giving your mind even more power in what feels like an anxiety avalanche that’s impossible to outrun.

The reality is that trying to avoid certain feelings doesn't actually make them go away... In fact, research indicates that resisting and distracting from emotional experiences makes the feelings even BIGGER in the long run.

"Drop the struggle" is a concept that comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It means letting go of the struggle against unwanted thoughts, emotions, or internal experiences. It emphasizes accepting these internal experiences, rather than trying to suppress or control them. 

So what does it look like to drop the struggle?

Allow the emotion to be.

Notice what it is.

Stay in the present moment, even if it feels really uncomfortable. 

Don't get me wrong... It is NOT EASY to do this. It takes time and practice.

As, a quick heads up, this approach won’t make your emotions disappear; however, it will prevent them from sticking around longer than necessary. You allow yourself to feel the emotion, and then eventually, it passes.

Dropping the struggle also gives sensitive people agency. You are taking a moment to notice yourself struggling with the emotions, YOU are choosing to sit with it, and then YOU get to decide how you want to direct your energy.

There's no such thing as a life without anxiety or discomfort. These feelings are a vital part of the human experience. But when these emotions show up, and you can drop the struggle, you can coexist with them more easily. You can acknowledge them without letting them control you.

 Radical Acceptance (explained by an HSP Therapist)

The term “radical acceptance” can be off-putting. The brain’s immediate response to attempting to accept something difficult is: “Are you serious? No. I don’t WANT it to be this way. It’s not fair. It hurts. I don’t like it.” I understand this response - it makes sense. Why would you want to “accept” something you don’t want, like, or agree with?

Let me explain why. Radical acceptance is about acknowledging and embracing the present moment as it is rather than focusing on what you want it to be. It means looking at how things actually are, even if you don't like what you see. 

I know that’s a lot… this is extremely hard to do. 

It’s important to clarify that radical acceptance is NOT giving up or condoning everything that happens. You do not have to agree with or like the reality when practicing this skill. You are just acknowledging that whatever is happening is actually happening. 

Radical acceptance is challenging to practice because your mind wants to be in charge and call the shots. The somewhat harsh REALITY is… sometimes unwanted things happen, you come up against specific limitations, and you experience pain.

There are many things you cannot control. Feeling out of control makes you more likely to reject reality. Your mind may say: "No! That's not right. I'm in charge. That's not fair."

As an HSP therapist, I tell my clients a difficult truth: rejecting reality won't alter it. To truly change your circumstances, you must first acknowledge and accept them. Denying a painful reality only creates more suffering. 

When practicing radical acceptance, you recognize what is within your control and what is out of your control. You focus your energy on what you can change instead of what is unchangeable. Radical acceptance means reminding yourself that life can be meaningful and worth living, even when experiencing pain.

While acceptance requires us to sit with uncomfortable emotions, it is actually the path to freedom. Practicing this skill frees us from constantly fighting against the unchangeable. We open ourselves to new possibilities, growth, and finding meaning in our experiences.

Take Valued Action (do what you really WANT to do) 

Your emotions may tell you to do a bunch of stuff… like hide under the covers or scream at your roommate or take some shots to “survive” a party. If you obey your emotions without taking a pause to think about what you’re doing, you can find yourself waking up the next day thinking “not again!”

The goal is to notice what your emotions tell you to do, and then check in with yourself to see what YOU really want to do.

The question is… how do you actually know what you want?

The key to knowing what you really want is knowing your values. Your values act as your guide. 

Maybe you, like me, value humor and compassion. I feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment when I act in accordance with those values. 

Values teach us how to show up in the world, how to respond to challenges, and how to prioritize what truly matters to us. 

Values are what you want to be about. When you direct your energy to focus on how you want to live life (rather than how your emotions tell you to live), you experience less suffering. Once you know your values, you can know what actions align with those values. You have your “go to” moves prepared whenever a wave of emotions hits.

An HSP Therapist Says, “Be The Boss!”

I hope this blog reminds you that you do have agency in your life, even when it feels like you have no control. You are the boss.

For more information on how to live a fulfilled life as an emotionally sensitive person, sign up for the Thrive and Feel email list. I’ve created a framework of practical, accessible tools and strategies that help emotionally sensitive people change their relationship to their emotions and feelings—and I share this information for free!

Now… go get in that driver’s seat and be the BOSS.

About The Author

Hi, I'm Dr. Mary Kate Roohan! I'm a licensed psychologist and drama therapist who works with folx who are navigating big feelings on a daily basis. My goal is to help you change your relationship to your thoughts and emotions so that you can live the life you WANT to live (one filled with vitality and purpose, of course). If you are living in California and are interested in therapy with a psychologist, feel free to schedule a free consultation on my website.