How to Control My Emotions | Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) in Pasadena
Dr. Mary Kate Roohan, PSYD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Therapist
Understanding the Challenge of Managing Overwhelming Emotions
It is clear that many individuals are overwhelmed, and honestly, it makes sense. We live with scary illnesses, reminders of loss, systematic oppression, a constant flood of information (that is not always based in fact), the pressure to be “on” 24/7, the fear of what is happening to our planet, and a deeply polarized social and political climate. These factors create a backdrop of uncertainty and tension, making it harder to process and regulate emotions effectively. Add to this the personal weight of major life transitions, and it is no wonder so many are experiencing heightened stress and searching for therapy for emotional regulation.
Recent data from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) indicates that approximately 23.1% of U.S. adults (almost one in four!) meet the criteria for a mental health disorder. Additionally, a 2023 American Psychological Association (APA) survey indicated that 77% of workers had experienced work-related stress in the past month, with 57% noting negative impacts such as emotional exhaustion and decreased motivation.
As a psychologist in Pasadena and an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) practitioner in Los Angeles, I am noticing on a daily basis that my clients are feeling completely overwhelmed and wanting help. It is safe to say that emotions are running high.
The Surprising Thing about Controlling Emotions
The question I get asked by my clients most is: How do I control my emotions?
If you have ever wondered about how to control your feelings, you’re not alone. In fact, it turns out that every day, thousands of people Google phrases like “how to control my emotions” and “can’t stop my emotions.”
So… clearly this is an important, relevant question. Ideally… there would be an easy, simple answer.
To provide you with an answer to this question, I draw on one of my favorite evidence-based modalities: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT provides effective emotional regulation strategies that help people live more fully by learning to make room for difficult thoughts and feelings rather than fighting against them. The focus of this “third wave” behavioral therapy is to support clients in taking valued actions, enabling them to build a life that feels full and vibrant. This modality teaches us that the goal is not to feel good all the time, but to build a life that feels purposeful and aligned with the person we want to be.
So when clients ask me how to control their emotions, I tell them what ACT taught me:
You can’t completely control your emotions. You can’t stop your emotions. You can only control how you respond to them.
I know this can be a disappointing answer. You might feel like if you could “control” your emotions, your life would be so much easier. I have definitely felt that way before.
If I Can’t Control My Emotions, What Can I Do?
Here is the key: You cannot completely control your emotions. You cannot stop your emotions. You can only control how you respond to them. In other words, you can control how you respond to your emotions after you have felt them.
Although this answer may sound disappointing, it can also be freeing. When clients learn to shift from control to willingness to feel, life starts to feel more manageable.
So, what can you do to make this shift? Begin with this: Feel your feelings.
Hear me out.
Emotions are natural, instinctive responses that cannot be simply shut off. That is why it is impossible to “stop” emotions altogether.
We need our emotions—they are there to communicate important information. When we try to push them away, they usually get more intense. Allowing yourself to actually feel your emotions helps you understand what they are communicating, which is the first step in managing them more effectively.
In summary, emotions are natural, instinctive responses that we cannot completely control. When we try to push them away, they often intensify. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions is the first step in effectively managing difficult feelings.
The Role of Willingness in Therapy for Emotional Regulation
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us that it is human instinct to want to fight or control emotions, especially because it can be uncomfortable to feel so intensely. The natural urge to make the painful feeling stop is amplified by a culture of toxic positivity, which tells us to “just be happy” or “stay positive.”
But here’s the reality: struggling with our feelings, rather than gently allowing them to exist as they are, can actually increase the intensity of those feelings. It can also lead to a behavioral pattern of suppressing emotions, which has long-term consequences for both emotional and physical health. A chronic pattern of emotional avoidance is actually one of the primary reasons folx may seek therapy for anxiety and depression.
So, what is the secret to helping us feel our feelings in order to gain back control?
The answer is willingness.
Willingness is observing your internal experiences without trying to change them. When you practice willingness, you make the choice to sit with uncomfortable internal experiences—those unwanted feelings, thoughts, images, physical sensations, and memories. When an emotion comes up, even if your mind is saying, “No, I don’t want to feel this!” you allow yourself to feel. You simply notice what is happening on the inside without trying to change it.
Willingness is a critical skill because once you understand what you are feeling (and stop trying to run away from it), you can actually choose how to respond. When you are practicing willingness, you are no longer focusing precious energy and resources on avoiding feelings, which gives you the capacity to focus on other life-enhancing things.
When you stop focusing on controlling your emotions, you create space to choose how you want to spend your time. That choice is the foundation of therapy for emotional regulation.
This is the ultimate paradox: not trying to control your emotions actually gives you more control.
How Mindfulness and ACT Work Together
You may be reading about willingness and thinking, “This reminds me of mindfulness!” You are spot on. Willingness is a mindfulness skill, and many of the most effective ACT strategies are grounded in mindfulness. You need to practice mindfulness in order to stay present with your feelings instead of running from them. This awareness helps you notice what your emotions are communicating, without automatically obeying the emotional urge.
This is the heart of mindfulness and ACT—observing, naming, and allowing emotions, thoughts, and other internal experiences from a place of nonjudgment. When a strong emotion or painful thought comes up, you let yourself fully sit with whatever you are experiencing, rather than rushing to change. The practice of mindfulness within ACT leads to more adaptive behaviors AND a more meaningful life.
Psychological Assessments as Part of Emotional Regulation
Sometimes emotional dysregulation is tied to underlying conditions. For example, undiagnosed ADHD or autism in adults can make managing emotions much more difficult.
Psychological testing, which can be performed online or in person, can be extremely beneficial to folks with big feelings because these assessments bring clarity to patterns that may otherwise be overlooked. Big feelings usually happen for a reason. For example, many adults with ADHD find themselves frustrated as a result of a profile that demonstrates strong verbal reasoning but challenges with working memory, planning, or task initiation. In other words, it can be difficult to execute on the information that the person has in their mind. When the adult with ADHD feels like they know something but are unable to follow through, it leads to heightened emotions - understandably so! In this example, participating in ADHD testing in Los Angeles can help identify why you may be experiencing intense emotions. Psychological assessment not only clarifies the diagnosis but also guides practical recommendations—so you know how to move forward.
This is one example (of many!) for how psychological testing for adults can be beneficial to individuals who struggle with emotion regulation challenges. Ultimately, the value of testing lies in moving beyond a “label” (e.g., “too sensitive”) to gaining a comprehensive picture of how your brain works so that you can identify what environments best support you and which coping tools are most effective. are most likely to help. Understanding yourself better can provide you with the boost you need to improve your health, especially if you are in a place where holding it all together feels too heavy.
Conclusion: Building a More Meaningful Life with ACT
I know these are complicated concepts and, in some cases, they go against what you have been taught your whole life.
It can be difficult to accept that you cannot stop your emotions and must learn, instead, to respond differently. The good news is that there is a path forward. By practicing willingness, embracing therapy for emotional regulation, and using tools from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), you can build greater psychological flexibility and resilience.
If you have questions about any of the concepts discussed in the article, feel free to send us a message via the contact form on your page. Also, If you are interested in therapy, we offer evidence-based approaches like ACT, EMDR, and DBT therapy. These methods are tailored to support clients who are struggling with managing overwhelming emotions and searching for ways to live more meaningful lives. You can schedule a free 15-minute call with one of our team members, and they will answer any questions you have about ACT or any of our other therapy modalities. If you decide you want to take the next step of participating in therapy, the therapist will guide you through that process.
If you are struggling to understand your emotions, you may also benefit from a neuropsychological assessment. Our team offers adult autism evaluation, online psychological testing, and ADHD testing in Los Angeles - feel free to set up a free consultation if you are interested in learning about any of our services.
Want to know more about the author of this article?
Dr. Mary Kate Roohan is a licensed clinical psychologist in Pasadena, drama therapist, and the owner of Thrive and Feel. Mary Kate is passionate about working with Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) and LGBTQIA+ folx. You can see more of her writing on Psychology Today or watch her video content on Youtube. If you are interested in free guides and resources from Dr. Mary Kate, feel free to sign up for her newsletter!
